Why do I do this?

I find my creative push and pulls are difficult to process. 

I am someone who is getting more comfortable with the idea that if I lack a certain skill, it is not proof of personal difficiency or moral failing, it is not a challenge that needs to be overcome and I can ask for help or choose to spend time acquiring that skill, or choose not to do that. I think that is an expression of confidence and something I am still working on. 

 A constant challenge though is pinning down what I want to do and why I want to do it, and then sticking with it. What is the point? 

I have this questioning with music. I can put it to the back of my mind because I go out and jam with other people regularly, and there's enough there to keep me distracted from the question. 

I have a strong and unfulfilled compulsion to also create interactive experiences. I find it harder to let my imagination pull me into virtual environments than when I was younger, though that does still work on occassion. I find myself increasingly distanced from the world of gaming which I percieve to be becoming more simplistic and juevenile.

Where does this desire to make come from, why is does it feel unhealthy, why does it have to be games, and why is the result often dis-satisfying or never in a state to share with others?

One skill I know that I lack is in 3D modelling. It is also something that I am choosing to not spend time learning.

Many of the other skills required to make rich experiences I have in my toolbox. I have been a game coder for 10 years and I am very good at it.

One idea I have a the moment is to really open up my imagination and mod something. Something old which is very open to modding, something tried and tested - e.g. UT2004 and the undebatable number of mods which have since spawned successful beloved games series in themselves.

I am thinking of modding because a blank slate is daunting. I also want to get somewhere fast. I fall into the trap of making technology first, being creative second. I already do the former in my day job (though all new games are so technologically boring that is another struggle altogether). 

I don't think I identify with killing in games anymore. That sounds really boring doesn't it? I loved FPS games. This opened up the question of what sort of activity do I want to model in things that I make.

Does it matter? Am I overthinking it? Lots of people like to hunt Monsters in Monster Hunter but don't go out poaching rare animals.

Does a themematic element even matter? Can I afford to be so picky if I am not making assets of my own?

I watched A Boy and His Dog last night. It is basically Fallout - the bewilderingly successful series of games and TV show. So many companies first games were carbon copies of films themes. Young people not overthinking things where "inspiration" means "copying" and that's fine.

In an abstract sense, games are their mechanics. When you reduce them to simulation, they are all the same. Why do I feel so upset to have pulled behind the curtain, and understand what is behind there? That step is necessary in creation.

I have begun to enjoy play a little bit again, but that is because I am working hard to switch off the part of my brain which repeats this reductive exercise.

I arrive here and the end with no conclusions or personal closure to all these questions.

I had a conversation with somebody at lunch. I've written out what they understood they were asking me, and some answers I am still working on.

Since you no longer really play games, are you making them because there's something about them specifically that you find worth making? Or are you using them as a creative outlet because you are skilled in doing that, but cannot get fulfilment from it?

My answer is, I enjoy the process, and worry about the product. Maybe it will help if I choose to stop worrying about the product.

Why are you making stuff for a niche and dying audience (UT2004), and not making stuff in places where there is more life (UEFN)? Many more people will be exposed to your creation in the latter.

I said at the time I had chosen a tribe, it is a form of subsersiveness as I don't like the directions things have gone in. I'm weaponising nostalgia - things were once better, and I want to prove that, by leveraging them.

I complained about never putting anything out there.

Am I stuck in a loop of old survival mechanisms that no longer make sense?

I get more fulfilment from doing the dishes and making sure there's a pot of coffee grinds ready for the morning.